fathers

why don’t i remember more of my dad?
maybe it’s because he’s a builder
and when i think back we were
always making things better.

so we thought. and now here i am
years later, double scotch straight up
the chimney and into the cold night sky
thinking about dad. why did mum
ever marry the guy. how did they
meet and what was the catalyst.

am i him? not much. he doesn’t take scotch.
he hates the cubans i bought the other day.
he swears i’ll have lung cancer
or tongue cancer but fuck cancer.
i’ll sleep when i’m dead and my body will decay
and i’ll be feeding someone’s ambitious crops.
we all die when it’s right and i intend
to die when it’s right for me.

am i him? not much. maybe.
we are both builders, though i’ve never
quite had his knack for picking up a saw
and making the two by four longer.
a little. see how i’m taking you,
ripping you apart, and putting you
back together? he’s never
quite had my knack for making friends
and understanding how people work.

and so it is that i’m sitting on a barstool
with a pen between my fingers,
a napkin wedged under my elbow
thinking about my father, your father,
the fathers of the world, and how we
are not much like them,
no, not at all.

innocence

i don’t think i told her much truth.
that is, i don’t think she wanted to know.
honestly, she was innocent
and slow to learn things
about the world.

i remember this one time she
suprised me on the elevator:
the doors shifted open and there she was
like some sort of just-cleaned
animals, straight from the zoo.
the wild in my apartment untamed,
so i took her out for coffee
and we chatted about art
theory and what the fuck were
those impressionist smoking.

when i kissed her goodnight
did she feel my divided loyalties?
i don’t think so, but she should have.
she was so innocent
and so slow to learn things
about me.

i recall after she left thinking how
maybe i did love her after all.
but i’ve never been able to
stick with any one thing:
my waywardness has lost me
many decent pets.

even now i divide my time between
loving her and hating her.
she was a good lover,
almost always faithful.
honestly. but we were both
so innocent and slow
to learn things about eachother

my frailty

i should be asleep: these three pills should’ve knocked me over.
but you know why i’m still here stringing words one after another.
it’s because i have nowhere else to write them. except here
anonymous to my former lovers and friends who have left me.

when i let myself i miss you so much. i should not have left you.
should have bit the fucking bullet. should have shut the fuck up.
shouldn’t have told you about the french girl and how we lit
new york up like a million watt lightbulb. you have both left me.

i am all too human. not that i want to be but that i am. human.
frail and prone to fall off the wagon. faithless failing falling.
shouldn’t have ever met and loved you on sight five years ago.
should have turned the fuck away. should have left you then.

your victory

august 24 is my birthday. finally things roll around: another year
of searching for something anything at all. somewhere to stand.
you are putting people in awkward positions. don’t you see that?
you are posing them between the two of us: this is no battle.

august 28 is our anniversary. remember how we were one last year.
but my back is broken from lying on the floor. i feel like two.
i feel like you. playing people like chess pieces. fuck you.
life isn’t a game to be played like you can’t wreck people.

august 32 is when we get back together. fuck you. fuck you.
my stomach lining eaten by your reflux your reflexes.
you are acting the goat. stupid idiot lover with your ideas
that only if you have the most friends you’ve won something.

my jordan

i am constantly measuring her against your small things:
for instance how you whispered softly when we fucked.
she doesn’t whisper. ever. but hell i was used to you
constantly trying desparately to tell me anything at all.

you were not slim confidant beautiful cocky and fuckall.
sometimes i still expect to see you timid in new situations
but instead she is there to prove you opposing forces.

last night i forgot you turned my head and said her name
as she growled mine back into my ear. fiercly. grinning.
jordan i love you. tom i love you. till morning almost.
it was high noon before i remembered how you whispered.

you were not her but dammit i was used to your body.
i am still discovering places with my hands. with my lips.
she is still something of a mystery. she is still exciting.

but i am constantly measuring idiosyncracies your and hers.
i tell her this and she doesn’t mind. she knows i loved you
but she knows i love her and that one day i will say that
godammit i am used to you jordan. you’re my favorite shoes.
you come here. let’s fuck up the morning good and proper.

her fall

tonight she whispered into my ear how I made her feel like falling
like she was dropping from the side of a building to the sidewalk.
I am not certain what she meant but then her hot breath against
my neck erased everything. all my footholds disappeared then
and I was falling too. falling. hoping this is what she meant.

your mystery

i am torn between laughing at you or crying because i miss you.
last night’s vomit in a tupperware container says i can’t forget
and today’s lack of hunger repeats the chorus line and kick.
goddam you dear how i’ve struggled to erase our dance moves
still carved into the floor in three four rhythmic grooves.

but laughing at you because you are trying harder than i am.
he is in your head the savior i was as well before my egress.
coldy analytically emotionlessly i know this and am comforted.
goddam you stranger they’re the same fucked up hips swinging
feet tapping. and you think you’re such a goddam mystery.

your lack of discernment

stick the knife in. twist it twice. this is the plan for this evening.
write the letter. roll the dice. leaving you tattered and grieving.

stick the knife in. root around. stupidest idiot lover.
never tell me. not a sound. not in a whisper or stutter.

stick the knife in. i don’t mind. maybe i’d say i deserve it.
don’t remember. leave the rind. call it your lack of discernment.

her finish line

i’ll be helping you till the day i die and you’ll never run out of problems.
that itself is the problem. i find myself more enchanted day by minute.
that we’re peas in pods makes it harder. you could be balm. could be.

i’ll be choking back my feelings like whiskey: how you make me spin
like a top. i am dizzy with anticipation of the new light you’ll cast.
that we’re likewise opposites makes it harder. i’d take you. i would.

i’ll be telling you i have nothing to give till you realize i’m everything
and its shoulder: how i don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks
except what you think. how i could carry you past. past the finish line.

my nothing

i was serious when i said i never want to talk to you again ever.
maybe you thought i was taking the piss or something but no
it’s not that it’s easier or that it’s better or that it’ something.
instead you have nothing to offer. not as a friend or as a lover.

so there you have it: why i pass you in the hall like an iceberg
with these memories these feelings so far under the surface.
so there you have it: you are nothing. and let’s be honest now.
i enjoy seeing you tell yourself that i mean nothing to you either.