funny

the next time you take offense
at some insignificance i’ll
pretend to care (as if it matters).
maybe you’ll calm the fuck down.
maybe you’ll shoot yourself
in some back alley.
that’d be funny.

your mystery

i am torn between laughing at you or crying because i miss you.
last night’s vomit in a tupperware container says i can’t forget
and today’s lack of hunger repeats the chorus line and kick.
goddam you dear how i’ve struggled to erase our dance moves
still carved into the floor in three four rhythmic grooves.

but laughing at you because you are trying harder than i am.
he is in your head the savior i was as well before my egress.
coldy analytically emotionlessly i know this and am comforted.
goddam you stranger they’re the same fucked up hips swinging
feet tapping. and you think you’re such a goddam mystery.

your lack of discernment

stick the knife in. twist it twice. this is the plan for this evening.
write the letter. roll the dice. leaving you tattered and grieving.

stick the knife in. root around. stupidest idiot lover.
never tell me. not a sound. not in a whisper or stutter.

stick the knife in. i don’t mind. maybe i’d say i deserve it.
don’t remember. leave the rind. call it your lack of discernment.

my nothing

i was serious when i said i never want to talk to you again ever.
maybe you thought i was taking the piss or something but no
it’s not that it’s easier or that it’s better or that it’ something.
instead you have nothing to offer. not as a friend or as a lover.

so there you have it: why i pass you in the hall like an iceberg
with these memories these feelings so far under the surface.
so there you have it: you are nothing. and let’s be honest now.
i enjoy seeing you tell yourself that i mean nothing to you either.

your kabuki

it’s like watching trains accordion into each other slowly so slowly
and in the horror of the moment jaw glued to my shoes i eyeball
unable to blink unable to turn my head unable but to stare wildly
wide eyed at the infolding kabuki: fuck fuck fuck that’s gonna sting.

our honest cruelty

there are so many ways to be cruel. for instance me: i am strong
and i am getting stronger by the day and i am shaking you off me
like a dog shakes himself dry. this good thing cracking like a whip.
for instance you: so strong so beautiful so much brick and mortar.

there are so many ways to be cruel. for instance in our writing
about how we almost forgot eachother yesterday but for dreams.
that good thing to remind us how it’s not over and done with.
for instance: you have fallen in love with someone just like me.

there are so many ways to be cruel. for instance me one more time:
i say honest things to crowds of people about what we are not.
i say honest things that wrap around your belly like a snake.
you say honest things about how you don’t really give a shit.

there are so many ways to be cruel. for instance: you care.
for instance: i care. for instance: we both wish it were different.
but i will never spill the beans as i know how you love to count.
i will watch you burn. i will watch to see how honest are the flames.

your heart failure

what’s going through your head. no really. what logic do you spin
on its ass to make your acid trip of a lovelife resemble reality?
i can say this much for me: i’m not fucking myself over anymore.

let me be honest: there’s nothing i’d like more than to watch you
smack your head into that invisible wall you’ve always seen.
i can say this much for myself: i’m not trying to self-destruct.

three simple questions and i’m through. are you always attracted
to the sharp implements? and is that quality what you saw in me?
and when it all hits the fan who will be there to knit you together?

answer those if you dare. though you don’t and won’t and i am
waiting with muted laughter for your finish line and heart failure.

my theme (3)

vaffanculo or go fuck yourself or today for me the vernacular.
let me do it for you and oh bobby how it’s going to hurt.
have you had joy in watching me twist and turn? fucker. liar.
i know you’ve held yourself to the party line with a wink
just to see what i would do where i would go how i would react.

smeerlap oops that’s me. sorry but reciprocity’s a bitch.
but i’ve always been the type that’d go rabid if you crossed me.
i’ve had joy in watching you grab falter fall and bruise.
i’ve held myself to the party line with the grin you recognize
the grin that terrified you so before we went to war.